Letter #52

Saudara kandung

Kind, strong, reliable

Poeti Gladyzka Emiria, Saudara kandung (anak ke-6)

Hello Abada.

It’s been more than a month since you came back to God’s side and I hope you’re resting peacefully. Sorry it took me so long to write to you, sometimes it still doesn’t feel real to know you’re not here anymore. Sometimes (most times) I feel like it’s better to think you’re still out there, working in your office, socializing with your friends, and coming back home late than rather to think you were actually six feet below the ground.

I actually tried to write out my feelings a couple times, especially on the day you finally Rested, to convey my feelings to the world but somehow I think it’s too… private. But I do want the world to know how amazing you were as a person and as my brother so, this is my attempt to share my thoughts about you.

Bang, two days before it happened, you already know what I truly thought of you, right? You asked mine, Kakak, and Ali’s opinions about you as a big brother and, since I was embarrassed to say it in our family group (heck, I was even embarrassed saying it to you), I texted you personally. Like I had said in our chatroom a month ago, I really feel you were The Big Brother figure for me. Ali and Abang Aidil are my brothers, yes, but they’re not like you. Your strong and reliable figure was always there ever since I was little and even until your last days. I especially remembered how you took me in for a whole year even though you could have said no, and how you looked out for me and made me feel comfortable in your home. I don’t think I can tell every single thing you had done for me in your lifetime but for every single one, I am grateful.

Aside from giving me a lot of things, you had help also our family even while you have your own problems to attend to. I had wish I could give you things in return but as it was, I was clueless on what to do to pay you back for all your doings. So in turn, I just try to make you laugh with our banters and jokes and make you feel light-hearted, even though it’s just for a moment.

Seeing how great you were since I was little, I always thought of you as the coolest sibling. The Golden Son. Handsome, smart, successful, kind, out-going, your talents in music, your sport activities, what don’t you have? I also think the fact that you were able to go out of your “slump” and became better and achieving your dream was really amazing. All those reasons and more, was the reason why you were my role model and why hope I can be like you one day. Why I admire you so much. It is also worth noting that whenever you give me an advice I always try to remember it and think of it as some “kata-kata mutiara”.

Speaking of admiring you, it really makes me happy if we share the same taste in things—such as music or tv shows. Somehow I feel validated, haha, like “oh Bang Ardha likes this which means it is cool! I’m glad I also liked it!”. It also makes me happy because it means I can talk about our interests together although sometimes I feel like I would be a hassle, I don’t know why. And so, while I thought of talking to you more, I ended up not doing it. I do feel regretful at times but what can I do now, right? [And oh, the fact that I share the same alma mater as you made me immensely proud. I still remember asking you about my soon-to-be uni back in 2015 and you, with Kak Dita, told me stories about it. That was the moment where I feel like I made you proud too.]

IMG_3247 - Gladyzka Emiria

That time you took our family to Singapore was one of the best moments in my life and no, it’s not because of Coldplay. But it is more because we get to spend our time as a family and having fun. I remember thinking, ‘Oh, this must be like to have a family outing when I was still a toddler. No nephews or niece or step-siblings, but just our parents and the six of us.’ Although, Abang Aidil and Kakak didn’t go with us, I still thought of the trip like that.

IMG_5830 - Gladyzka Emiria

The fact that I get to experience watching a concert with you, Uni, and Ayah made it even more special because I truly think it was a once in a lifetime experience. I guess now it really is a once in a lifetime thing now that you’re gone…

IMG_5531 - Gladyzka Emiria

Nonetheless, I still remember what you said a few days before you Left. “Gw janji akan menjaga kalian selalu, sampai kalian tua nanti.” Maybe because of those words too I didn’t really feel that you were truly and really Gone, Bang. Maybe because of those words, I still feel you’re still here with me, protecting your younger siblings like how you usually did. And maybe you’re not here physically but as long as you are at peace and feel happier wherever you are now, that is enough for me. The fact that for this whole week you have been visiting my dreams also comforted me. Please do visit me a lot through the dream space Bang, for years and years and years.

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I remember how you teased me for saying this to Kakak when she had her birthday earlier this year, and I already told you the same anyway back then but still, I really am glad that we were born in the same family Bang. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone out there to be my big brother. You are irreplaceable.

There are more stuff that I would like to talk about but I feel for now, this is enough. To be honest, I don’t think there will ever be an end to talk about how amazing and great you are and how much I looked up to you.

With all of that said, I love you Bang Ardha ♥

– Babria/Gaday/Your kid sister, Gladyz.

Letter #50

Kantor Nielsen

Three words about Ardha:

Bright, Brilliant, yet Humble at the same time

Alice Jahja, Ardha’s Team Member in Nielsen CI.

Please kindly let me introduce myself, my name is Alice and I’m proud to call myself a part of Ardha’s core team in Consumer Insights (CI) Nielsen from May 2016 to March 2017. The core team itself during the period had Ardha, myself, Haekal, and Nadia as the latest addition. I tendered my resignation from my role in Nielsen just around 7 weeks before Ardha passed away.

To begin with my story, first & foremost Ardha was a bright & brilliant person among any others. Having been looked up to as the ‘eldest brother’ of the bigger team, he was greatly loved & favored by both his colleagues & clients. He handled & served his accounts really well with both great business recommendations & client-relationships. Most of the accounts that he managed have grown from small-seed projects into well-fruited businesses. Generally, Ardha always carried himself in a true gentleman manners & presented himself as a role model. He always conveyed his messages & what he was trying to say in a polite way, his introverted nature had made him more of a listener & observer than a talker, and therefore he was able to always say the right things at the very right time. He never talked nonsense! To his team, even though he was stubborn and hard to handle sometimes, he was always on our back up, stood by us, believed in our capacities, appreciated our work, and gave honest feedback & recognition when necessary. He never made anyone feel small, never pointed his finger to blame anyone, and he took the time to understand & accommodate our needs.

I still remember meeting one of our big clients and he acclaimed Ardha as one of the rising stars in CI. I was a proud team member & I couldn’t have agreed more with what the client said, even though Ardha himself humbly & politely denied such credits. It’s such a rare combination that someone so amazing & bright could have been humble and down-to-earth at the very same time. “I don’t like being under a spotlight, Lice. I would be more than happy to see anyone else steal the light”, as Ardha told me once. “I would rather be called as a ‘peer-loyalist’ than to stand out or look different from my friends.” I was amazed to see Ardha being content & secure with himself. Unlike many others, he didn’t get so busy throwing himself out there just to convince people of his capabilities. He just simply proved it by showing people he had what it takes and working on his things amazingly. Neither ever he presented himself as the hero. He put values on his teamwork more than anything. He truly is an inspirational leader!

Too many things to share about Ardha and my words would fall short to fully tell the story of all that he has done to me & his team. The impact of his life is beyond words. Still his values at work inspire me personally every single day, especially at times I should make any plans or decisions. I would think, “What would Ardha do if he was seeing this situation? What would he think? What would he say?”, and putting myself in his shoes really helps me to make decisions. I know I wouldn’t be who I am today, with my current capabilities, had I not met Ardha. So much things I have learned & sourced from him. Two years of working in Nielsen under his supervision has served me more experiences than my previous job ever would. Leaving his team was a real tough decision for me, and he knew that really well. I remember telling him that I so looked forward to crossing path with him again in the near future given the right circumstances & opportunities, but apparently God has another plan for him…

My heart greatly mourns over an amazing soul that has gone way too soon. Yes, C.S. Lewis said “A death of a beloved is an amputation”, and I agree that Ardha has taken a part of our hearts away with him which no one could ever replace. No words of consolation would ever heal the wound, but God must have His own reasons, and I’m praying for God’s strength, peace, joy, & confidence to fall upon the whole family to carry on.

Sending my warmest regards to Reya, Ayah & Bunda Ardha, and all of his family members. Memories of Ardha and the messages he carried through his life shall continue to live on. We love you, Ardha! We will greatly miss you!

Yours sincerely, Alice

Letter #41

Saudara kandung

Poeti Nazura Gulfira (Ozu), Adik Ardha (anak ke-4)

I never thought that it would be Bang Ardha, my older brother who was just above me, to be the first one who left our family. The one who has been well-known and adored by his family and friends for his “perfection”.

Even when I was a kid, I was jealous of him because he was indeed the “golden kid” of the family. Very intelligent (both academic and non-academic), athletic, and the only one in the family who played music. Basically he’s the gifted one who was good at everything he did. And yet, he stayed humble and never like to brag himself upon all his perfection. .

In addition to my admiration towards him in general, I was especially in awe of his perseverance. I can safely say that next to my parents, he was the strongest person I had ever known. He was a real fighter who tried his best to fight the battles that not everyone, including myself, could face, let alone won.

In the end, though, he proved that while it might be his perfection that made him admired, it was his kindness that had earned him the love of many people and it was his strength that defined him for those who knew him well. And I think even God loves him so much that he was taken at the right time and also in the holy month (which is also ‘his month’; Ardha means Anak Ramadhan). .

No words can describe how much I regret that the last time we met I didn’t hug you so tight nor directly say to you that I really really really love you, Bang. I never thought I would experience a loss so deeply to the point that I almost felt like I was going back to the days when I was inside the black hole. But I know this isn’t what you would want to see from there nor what you taught me. Besides, I’m an avid believer that God’s plan is always better than our plans (I have already seen that, anyway during our road trip back in 2017 😜). .


Well, see you on the other side, big bro! In the meantime, I’ll see you in my dreams yaaa, Bang Ardha ❤ #letterforardha

Letter #40

Saudara kandung

Three words about Ardha:

Gaul, pinter, baik

Ali Araafi Akbar, Adik Ardha (anak ke-5).

“Can’t believe he’s gone” I mutter to myself time and time again.

Bang Ardha and I could not be more different, and I think that is readily apparent to anyone who has ever gotten to know us both: he’s cool and I’m wimpy. It is frustrating, then, that we were only similar in our shyness, which made having lasting casual conversations with him difficult (how I wish even a fraction of his wit/style/confidence/selflessness had rubbed off on me instead).

Yet I knew Bang Ardha cared. I had always known, because he displayed it in his own way: by giving away a lot of his belongings. Usually it would be his old, but very stylish and barely-worn clothes.


There was a point during junior high where my wardrobe consisted of nothing but his shirts and band tees (I particularly liked wearing the Radiohead and Incubus ones). I think a number of cool kids at school were also surprised at how “secretly hip” I was with my taste in fashion and music (copied wholesale from Bang Ardha, of course).

The most memorable gift for me, however, was a Playstation Portable he bought for me in 2006 with his earning as a part-time salesman. Prior to his passing, this would be the one memory to cause my eyes to well up. To think he was still a 20-year old college student at the time, trying his best to get an extra income, and still left enough to get what was at the time a pricey item for someone else…


If determination was a human, Bang Ardha would have been it. As a teen, I told myself I would repay his kindness once I have a steady income of my own. I told myself while I could never fully return the favor, I would at least try to do so slowly over time. That this was the only way I know how of proving what a good influence he had been as a big brother.



I never got to tell him any of this. I never got to be the little brother he could hang around with, nor one who could even reciprocate his altruistic gestures. And despite probably being fully aware of me and my “muka datar”, I think he might had even been frustrated at my mild reactions to any and all of his efforts (“Li, lo suka nggak sama yang itu? Kok muka lo kayak kurang sreg gitu?” Or something to that effect).

Nevertheless, I am relieved knowing that he had shared a brotherly bond with his (many) friends, as can be seen in the other letters. That he attracted many similarly loyal and compassionate individuals to his side.

I am sorry Bang, I really am. Thank you for being a role in most things you do. I love you.

Letter #38

Kriminologi UI, Uncategorized

Three words about Ardha:

Humble, Friendly & Encourage

Yohanes Eko Wahyu Setiawan, Kriminologi UI.

Bang Ardha adalah senior saya di Kriminologi UI. Ketika pertama kenal sosok Bang Ardha, dia salah satu senior Kriminologi 2014 yang berkarakter “Good Cop” menurut saya, diantara rekan-rekan seangkatannya yg punya julukan angkatan “TENGIL”.

Hal yg paling berkesan bagi saya ketika Bang Ardha masih sama-sama di kampus adalah kehandalannya menjadi holding midfielder semasa membela timnas sepakbola Ikatan Keluarga Kriminologi.

Suatu ketika kita pernah tidak sengaja sama-sama menunggu bus AC 84 jurusan Pulogadung – Depok di lampu merah Golf Rawamangun. Saat itu Bang Ardha sepertinya ada jadwal pagi bimbingan skripsi dan saat itu saya masih mahasiswa tingkat pertama. Satu pesan yang saya ingat dari Bang Ardha saat itu, “Lu nanti kalau udah mau nyusun skripsi dan butuh literatur langka minta aja sama senior-senior Krim. Jurusan kita kan dikit, pasti senior-senior mau bantu.”

Itu cerita saya tentang Bang Ardha. Selamat jalan Bang, bangga punya senior seperti Bang Ardha.