Letter #54

Kantor Nielsen

Great humble guy

Alia Kemala, teman sekantor Nielsen

Saya kenal Ardha dari baru masuk Nielsen tahun 2011. Sebenarnya kita ga terlalu dekat karena ga pernah kerja bareng langsung walaupun kita satu divisi. Tapi selama satu kantor yang saya tau Ardha one of rising stars, yet tetep humble dan baik sama semuaaa orang.

Inget banget pertama kali kenalan Ardha nanya gw tinggal daerah Fatmawati mana. Karena males basa-basi dan baru kenal juga jadi gw cuma bilang “Yaa sepanjang Fatmawati itu deeh”. Kesannya jadi lebay rumah sepanjang jalan Fatmawati hahahah. Tapi itu yg selalu dia inget, dan setiap kita kenalan sama anak baru di kantor dan ngobrolin rumah pasti Ardha bilang “Alia ini rumahnya sepanjang jalan Fatmawati” ya kalliiii….

Kalo soal kerjaan jangan ditanya. Istilahnya bos hepi, kolega hepi, client hepi. Gw inget waktu itu dia senior research exec, dan managernya malah nanya soal pricing ke client baiknya berapa. Malah Ardha yang disuruh menentukan, bukan bosnya 😀 Pernah juga dia cerita kegep sama clientnya lagi buka laptop di sela-sela konser band. Kebayang kan dedikasinya kaya apa (tapi tetep bersenang2).

Gw, Ata, Ardha dan ada beberapa temen lain suka bandel solat injury time 😀 tapi jadi keinget terus karena kita jadi suka solat jamaah dikebut dan digabung.. *tidak untuk diikuti dan dilakukan lagi :p

Panggilan favorit Ardha ke gw adalah “anorexia” karena menurut Ardha gw kurus bet. Dan begitu ketemu lagi sama Ardha di Nielsen bab 2 (setelah kita sama-sama resign dan sama-sama balik lagi), terus Ardha kurus juga, langsung laaah gw balikin tuh julukan dengan puasnya. Panggilan ini masih berlaku sampe terakhir kita ketemu ngobrol-ngobrol di lorong kantor.

Well, walaupun ga sering ngobrol banyak, tapi Ardha cukup berkesan di hati gw dan banyak orang. Seperti surat2 yang sudah gw baca, gw salut bgt sama prioritas Ardha ke keluarganya. Sayang kita ga pernah cerita banyak soal anak masing-masing, pastinya bakal seru bahasannya ya Dha.

Turut berduka sedalam-dalamnya untuk keluarga dan kerabat yang ditinggalkan. Semoga Ardha Husnul khotimah, diterima semua amal dan ibadahnya. Aamiin.

We love you, Ardha.

Letter #52

Saudara kandung

Kind, strong, reliable

Poeti Gladyzka Emiria, Saudara kandung (anak ke-6)

Hello Abada.

It’s been more than a month since you came back to God’s side and I hope you’re resting peacefully. Sorry it took me so long to write to you, sometimes it still doesn’t feel real to know you’re not here anymore. Sometimes (most times) I feel like it’s better to think you’re still out there, working in your office, socializing with your friends, and coming back home late than rather to think you were actually six feet below the ground.

I actually tried to write out my feelings a couple times, especially on the day you finally Rested, to convey my feelings to the world but somehow I think it’s too… private. But I do want the world to know how amazing you were as a person and as my brother so, this is my attempt to share my thoughts about you.

Bang, two days before it happened, you already know what I truly thought of you, right? You asked mine, Kakak, and Ali’s opinions about you as a big brother and, since I was embarrassed to say it in our family group (heck, I was even embarrassed saying it to you), I texted you personally. Like I had said in our chatroom a month ago, I really feel you were The Big Brother figure for me. Ali and Abang Aidil are my brothers, yes, but they’re not like you. Your strong and reliable figure was always there ever since I was little and even until your last days. I especially remembered how you took me in for a whole year even though you could have said no, and how you looked out for me and made me feel comfortable in your home. I don’t think I can tell every single thing you had done for me in your lifetime but for every single one, I am grateful.

Aside from giving me a lot of things, you had help also our family even while you have your own problems to attend to. I had wish I could give you things in return but as it was, I was clueless on what to do to pay you back for all your doings. So in turn, I just try to make you laugh with our banters and jokes and make you feel light-hearted, even though it’s just for a moment.

Seeing how great you were since I was little, I always thought of you as the coolest sibling. The Golden Son. Handsome, smart, successful, kind, out-going, your talents in music, your sport activities, what don’t you have? I also think the fact that you were able to go out of your “slump” and became better and achieving your dream was really amazing. All those reasons and more, was the reason why you were my role model and why hope I can be like you one day. Why I admire you so much. It is also worth noting that whenever you give me an advice I always try to remember it and think of it as some “kata-kata mutiara”.

Speaking of admiring you, it really makes me happy if we share the same taste in things—such as music or tv shows. Somehow I feel validated, haha, like “oh Bang Ardha likes this which means it is cool! I’m glad I also liked it!”. It also makes me happy because it means I can talk about our interests together although sometimes I feel like I would be a hassle, I don’t know why. And so, while I thought of talking to you more, I ended up not doing it. I do feel regretful at times but what can I do now, right? [And oh, the fact that I share the same alma mater as you made me immensely proud. I still remember asking you about my soon-to-be uni back in 2015 and you, with Kak Dita, told me stories about it. That was the moment where I feel like I made you proud too.]

IMG_3247 - Gladyzka Emiria

That time you took our family to Singapore was one of the best moments in my life and no, it’s not because of Coldplay. But it is more because we get to spend our time as a family and having fun. I remember thinking, ‘Oh, this must be like to have a family outing when I was still a toddler. No nephews or niece or step-siblings, but just our parents and the six of us.’ Although, Abang Aidil and Kakak didn’t go with us, I still thought of the trip like that.

IMG_5830 - Gladyzka Emiria

The fact that I get to experience watching a concert with you, Uni, and Ayah made it even more special because I truly think it was a once in a lifetime experience. I guess now it really is a once in a lifetime thing now that you’re gone…

IMG_5531 - Gladyzka Emiria

Nonetheless, I still remember what you said a few days before you Left. “Gw janji akan menjaga kalian selalu, sampai kalian tua nanti.” Maybe because of those words too I didn’t really feel that you were truly and really Gone, Bang. Maybe because of those words, I still feel you’re still here with me, protecting your younger siblings like how you usually did. And maybe you’re not here physically but as long as you are at peace and feel happier wherever you are now, that is enough for me. The fact that for this whole week you have been visiting my dreams also comforted me. Please do visit me a lot through the dream space Bang, for years and years and years.

18342619_10208243778362685_5676395811721643177_n - Gladyzka Emiria

I remember how you teased me for saying this to Kakak when she had her birthday earlier this year, and I already told you the same anyway back then but still, I really am glad that we were born in the same family Bang. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone out there to be my big brother. You are irreplaceable.

There are more stuff that I would like to talk about but I feel for now, this is enough. To be honest, I don’t think there will ever be an end to talk about how amazing and great you are and how much I looked up to you.

With all of that said, I love you Bang Ardha ♥

– Babria/Gaday/Your kid sister, Gladyz.

Letter #51

Kantor Nielsen

One memorable friend

Rizka Ramses, temen sekantor Nielsen.

I believe that a person is put on this earth to create memories with others, make a mark on the life of each human being they meet and know, no matter how big or small.

My memories of Ardha are a combination of serious conversations, silliness, laughter, and a lot of sarcastic comments being thrown at each other.

He once gave me an advice when I was stupid, when I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He put me back on track, realizing what was really important and what was right. He was there when I needed a friend. Not just any friend, but a real friend who not only wanted the best for me, but also bluntly scolded me when I needed to hear the truth, not a soft pat on the back.

He often made me laugh by telling stupid stories or just by doing simple silly things when we were hanging out with our friends. One time he was so happy because he thought he scored THE setlist in a concert by one of our favorite band, the Killers, only to realize the setlist was ripped into two and the other part was taken by an angry looking girl next to him. We all laughed and laughed nonstop that night at his misfortune.

Competitive is one of his traits that sat well with me, being one myself. I remember how determined we were to win at a company outing game when we were put on the same team. He never wanted to show it, always tried to be nonchalant about anything and everything, but he always hated it if he didn’t do his best. Oh yeah, and of course we won that year. We made a great team indeed hahaha.

Our knack for quick witted sarcasm also made us clicked as friends. Sarcasm. It’s a sign of being guarded, I think, in a way. Guarded by the fear of disappointment from opening up to people. My biggest regret was not seeing this early on, how guarded Ardha was and how hurt he must had been in times he was being the most sarcastic. I could have been a better friend to him.

Ardha was as much a family man as I am. My son means the world to me and so was Reya to Ardha. He would do anything for her. Even before Reya was born, Ardha told me that he loved Dita even more because she was about to give him the best gift he would ever received, not knowing how to repay her for that.

Ardha made mistakes, he was mere mortal, a human being with flaws. But I choose not to focus on that, as his presence usually brought joy and fun to the lives he touched. His funeral was a proof of that. So many friends, colleagues, acquaintances and family, came to pay their last respect. That’s just how he was, he lured people into liking him no matter what. I don’t know how he did that.

Thanks for the memories, cuy! I will never forget the silly stories and stupid jokes. The pizza time and dendeng lambok feast. The yelling at each other and laughing it off 2min after because we were being too dramatic.

And to Reya, always be proud to call Ardha Renzulli as your father, as proud as he was each time he talked about you.

—-

Letter #50

Kantor Nielsen

Three words about Ardha:

Bright, Brilliant, yet Humble at the same time

Alice Jahja, Ardha’s Team Member in Nielsen CI.

Please kindly let me introduce myself, my name is Alice and I’m proud to call myself a part of Ardha’s core team in Consumer Insights (CI) Nielsen from May 2016 to March 2017. The core team itself during the period had Ardha, myself, Haekal, and Nadia as the latest addition. I tendered my resignation from my role in Nielsen just around 7 weeks before Ardha passed away.

To begin with my story, first & foremost Ardha was a bright & brilliant person among any others. Having been looked up to as the ‘eldest brother’ of the bigger team, he was greatly loved & favored by both his colleagues & clients. He handled & served his accounts really well with both great business recommendations & client-relationships. Most of the accounts that he managed have grown from small-seed projects into well-fruited businesses. Generally, Ardha always carried himself in a true gentleman manners & presented himself as a role model. He always conveyed his messages & what he was trying to say in a polite way, his introverted nature had made him more of a listener & observer than a talker, and therefore he was able to always say the right things at the very right time. He never talked nonsense! To his team, even though he was stubborn and hard to handle sometimes, he was always on our back up, stood by us, believed in our capacities, appreciated our work, and gave honest feedback & recognition when necessary. He never made anyone feel small, never pointed his finger to blame anyone, and he took the time to understand & accommodate our needs.

I still remember meeting one of our big clients and he acclaimed Ardha as one of the rising stars in CI. I was a proud team member & I couldn’t have agreed more with what the client said, even though Ardha himself humbly & politely denied such credits. It’s such a rare combination that someone so amazing & bright could have been humble and down-to-earth at the very same time. “I don’t like being under a spotlight, Lice. I would be more than happy to see anyone else steal the light”, as Ardha told me once. “I would rather be called as a ‘peer-loyalist’ than to stand out or look different from my friends.” I was amazed to see Ardha being content & secure with himself. Unlike many others, he didn’t get so busy throwing himself out there just to convince people of his capabilities. He just simply proved it by showing people he had what it takes and working on his things amazingly. Neither ever he presented himself as the hero. He put values on his teamwork more than anything. He truly is an inspirational leader!

Too many things to share about Ardha and my words would fall short to fully tell the story of all that he has done to me & his team. The impact of his life is beyond words. Still his values at work inspire me personally every single day, especially at times I should make any plans or decisions. I would think, “What would Ardha do if he was seeing this situation? What would he think? What would he say?”, and putting myself in his shoes really helps me to make decisions. I know I wouldn’t be who I am today, with my current capabilities, had I not met Ardha. So much things I have learned & sourced from him. Two years of working in Nielsen under his supervision has served me more experiences than my previous job ever would. Leaving his team was a real tough decision for me, and he knew that really well. I remember telling him that I so looked forward to crossing path with him again in the near future given the right circumstances & opportunities, but apparently God has another plan for him…

My heart greatly mourns over an amazing soul that has gone way too soon. Yes, C.S. Lewis said “A death of a beloved is an amputation”, and I agree that Ardha has taken a part of our hearts away with him which no one could ever replace. No words of consolation would ever heal the wound, but God must have His own reasons, and I’m praying for God’s strength, peace, joy, & confidence to fall upon the whole family to carry on.

Sending my warmest regards to Reya, Ayah & Bunda Ardha, and all of his family members. Memories of Ardha and the messages he carried through his life shall continue to live on. We love you, Ardha! We will greatly miss you!

Yours sincerely, Alice

Letter #49

Saudara ipar

Aradea Ramadhan Hakim (Ara), Kakak ipar.

Saya mengenal Ardha sebagai seseorang yang baik dan supel dalam pergaulan dengan teman-temannya, juga sebagai seseorang sayang kepada keluarganya. Setidaknya ada 3 episode yang saya ingat secara jelas tentang beilau.

Pertama ketika di awal kenal sebagai adik dari sahabat saya. Ardha yang pada waktu itu bersama teman-temannya sedang main ke Bandung, menyempatkan untuk menghubungi saya untuk kemudian ketemuan dan ngobrol. Ini sangat berarti dan berkesan bagi saya. Saya ingat  ketika mengantarnya ke beberapa tempat di Bandung dan juga wajahnya yang ceria saat bertemu dan ngobrol dengan saya.

Kedua, ketika suatu waktu di 2005 saya mengunjungi rumah Pulomas, saat itu saya terenyuh melihat Ardha yang menunjukkan perhatiannya kepada Ali yang pada waktu itu masih kecil (dengan menepuk-nepuk kepala dan menyisir rambut Ali dengan penuh kasih sayang).

Ketiga, ketika tahun lalu (2017) Ardha berinisiatif untuk datang ke Bandung dan menyewa villa di Resor Dago Pakar untuk kumpul-kumpul dan meluangkan waktu bersama saudara-saudara kandungnya. Walau tidak banyak berbicara dari hati ke hati seperti yang mungkin dimaksudkan, tapi saya ingat interaksi yang baik antara Ardha dengan anak-anak saya, nonton dan makan bersama.

Saya ingin mengakhiri dengan mengutip Gibran tentang persahabatan dan perpisahan: “Janganlah bersedih ketika berpisah dengan sahabatmu, karena kebaikannya akan lebih cemerlang bersama ketiadaannya.”

Kami yang ditinggalkan tidak akan merasa sedih (berkepanjangan), karena kebaikan-kebaikan Ardha akan semakin diingat dengan kepulangannya.

Letter #48

Kantor Nielsen

About Ardha:

Kind-hearted, smart, mature. Nice and fun to be with and to work with. Never complained. Respect others.

Olivia Samosir, Nielsen.

*Via direct message Instagram:

“Hello Chica. Ini Olive. Kita pernah bareng di Synovate, semoga inget ya. Akhirnya setelah mencari ke sana kemari dapet juga account elo. Belasungkawa sedalam2nya ya Ca. Maafkan gw ga bisa hadir di pemakaman mengantarkan Ardha karena anak-anak gw lagi sakit waktu itu.

Gw kaget banget waktu dapet beritanya hari itu. It took me some time to digest the news. Karena gw berasa baru ngobrol 2 minggu sebelumnya. Dua minggu sebelum pergi, dia sempet nelfon gw. Mo minta bantuin report seperti biasa. Waktu itu gw lagi di RS karena anak gw diopname. Tumben2nya dia bilang dia sakit dan agak berat. Padahal selama satu team sama gw ga pernah dia ngaku sakit Ca, walaupun dah jelas-jelas keliatan sakit. Kalo ditanya jawabannya sama,”Ah gpp, ini sakit dibikin sendiri.” Dan tetap komit meeting deadline. Sampe gw kadang ga tega liatnya tapi dia tetap determined finishing his work. Bahkan lots of times covering buat temennya. Kalo dipaksa “Dha istirahat aja”, bilangnya kesian karena gw dah banyak kerjaan juga….

Gw merasa diringankaaaan banget kalo kerja sama dia. Gw sering bilang kalo dia ga perlu manajer karena dah bisa manage sendiri semuanya. Aslik gw cuma brief sekali dan periksa final report sekali dan tinggal duduk manis di klien karena Ardha yang presentasi. Padahal waktu itu dia masih SRE lho Ca. Semuanya dia yg inisiatif. And he was excellent in his work. I just couldn’t tell you enough how lucky and relieved I felt at that time to have a peer like him and blessed at the same time cuz life was made much easier by him being in the team.

Ardha dulu suka nanya kenapa dia jarang atau hampir ga pernah dapet coaching session. Jawaban gw dan Teddy (the other manager tandeman gw) selalu sama, bahwa Ardha ga perlu kita, dia itu pinter dan self-motivated dan juga overqualified buat posisinya (waktu itu dia SRE). Tapi dia ga mau dipropose buat promote jadi manager karena dia merasa skillnya belum cukup. Kita waktu itu merasa karena Ardha mencoba menjaga keharmonisan dengan temen2 sesama SRE-nya. Such a considerate young man he was.

I could go on sharing all the good things about Ardha during our time together as a team, but time and words just couldn’t enough to describe his good character. Behavior could be very human from time to time, but you just couldn’t help to see the good heart and a strong character in Ardha. Though I still feel a bit shocked and couldn’t believe that he’s gone, God loves him much more than the rest of us do…

My thoughts and prayer are with the whole family. Semoga semuanya dimudahkan untuk keluarga yang ditinggalkan. Hope Ardha rests in peace. Semoga diberi tempat terbaik di sisiNya.

Please accept my highest respect for him. Take care Chica. All the best for your future endeavours too 🙏🏻”

Letter #46

Saudara kandung

Three words about Ardha:

Pekerja keras, penyayang, tulus

Puti Ceniza Sapphira (Chica), kakak kandung (anak ke-2).

“Ibu kenapa? Masih sedih ya Om Ardha meninggal?”, tanya Azka/Khalif bergantian aja siapa yang duluan menemukan saya lagi diem merenung, berkaca-kaca, menerawang dua minggu terakhir. Kemudian saya dipeluk mereka. Keduanya udah melihat saya bolak-balik nangis, Azka di usianya yang 8 tahun lebih bisa memahami saya dan menghibur, kalimat pertama yang dia bilang saat saya mereda tangisnya di malam 24 Mei lalu adalah “Ibu, menurut aku, meskipun Om Ardha adalah adik Ibu dan lebih muda, Allah sudah mengatur tentang kematian. Ibu harus mengikhlaskan kematian Om Ardha. Aku doakan agar semua amal kebaikan Om Ardha cukup untuk bisa masuk surga, dan dosa-dosanya mendapat ampunan dari Allah”.

Aamiin Ya Allah.

====

Hallo Dha, this is not an ideal eulogy like Ali and Ozu wrote to you. I wish I could write an eloquent English as they write it to you. Tapi gak bisa (selain karena pasti grammar gw akan lo cela-cela “Salah nyeettt”), tapi belum bisa menulis seringkes itu, karena gw juga ga nyangka akan seberat ini melepas elo. Jadi gw curahkan aja yang ada di kepala ya…Ini asli berkecamuk, tiap gw ada waktu diem/bengong pasti keinget lo Dha.

Dua minggu terakhir rasanya masih surreal banget buat gw, ga pernah kebayang bakal mengalami ini – di waktu secepat ini. Beragam what-ifs berkecamuk di pikiran gw. Beragam penyesalan yang mungkin gw ga tau apa bisa memaafkan diri gw apa engga. Dari mulai ga pernah nyempetin pulang ke Jakarta, jarang berkontak via whatsapp (padahal Bunda selaluuuuu tiap hari ya bok mengupdate dan mengencourage anak-anaknya untuk terus cerita satu sama lain), sampe gw nyesel banget pas lo sakit trus gw ga jadi dateng ke Jakarta cuman karena lo bilang via telephone “Gak usah bok, gw udah baikan”. Padahal apa susahnya sih gw nyempetin datang. Dan pertengahan April lalu Bunda udah sempet negur juga “Cha, kata Ardha, Chica tuh ga care sama adik-adiknya”. Yang mana pas gw denger itu, gw malah cengengesan dan bilang bahwa “Lah, ke semua juga aku khan jarang berkontak… Bukan karena ga care Bun, tapi emang ga kepikiran aja karena kesibukan” (alasan yang nyebelin banget). Abis Bunda ngomong gitu tetep aja dong gw ga langsung kontak elo (penyesalan selalu datang belakangan ya).

img20180525081120.jpg

Lebaran tahun lalu terakhir kita ketemu ya Dha… Saking ga jelasnya acara lebaran tahun lalu (2017), gw bahkan ga inget apapun dari memory terakhir ketemu sama elo. Sedih. Yang gw inget di lebaran 2016 lo dan Dita minjemin rumah di BSD dan memastikan gw sekeluarga nyaman di rumah lo (yang gw suka banget tiap sudutnya).

Gw mau cerita dari kita kecil dulu… dari keterbatasan memory gw yang payah ini. Dari serpihan-serpihan memory, ada beberapa hal yang gue inget dari masa kecil kita: pertama, lo dipanggil “Pak Doto” yang mana artinya Pak Dokter. Entah istilah dari mana itu berasal, tapi that name suited you very well. Lo lucu banget pas kecil, putih, bule, chubby, kalem, dan lo langsung disukain sama semua orang di keluarga Akbar dan Hawadi.

29153_1418400534134_44309_n

Kedua, pas lo SD, kemampuan lo yang ga akan gw lupa dan banyak dipuji adalah dapat berkomunikasi dengan orang2x yang lebih tua. Ga heran banyak anak yang lebih gede yang mau main sama elo, padahal kalo diliat dari usia kadang anak gede tuh suka males ama anak kecil… tapi engga dengan elo.

Ketiga, yang banyak diingat orang (sepupu) adalah kita berdua suka berantem (kayak anjing ama kucing, dan segala sumpah serapah keluar ya Dha kalo lagi berantem x’). Gw lupa pertikaian macam apa yang sering terjadi di antara kita (semua kayaknya dipermasalahkan), kayaknya ga ada hari tanpa berantem sama elo (dan juga abang lo). Namun seringnya kita berdua yang saling membela satu sama lain ya Dha kalau udah mulai bersiteru sama anak #1….

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.17.17

Keempat, gw suka mengolok bahwa lo adalah anak emasnya Ayah Bunda… Walau kalau dipikir-pikir ya iyalah lo anak emas… Udah cakep, pinter, nurut, juara MTQ, jago main bola, jago basket, banyak temen… Gw sempet iri pada waktu itu (dan suka protes juga ke AyBun), dan sempet mempertanyakan WHY lo jadi anak emas. Zooming out to 2 decades later gw baru menyadarinya…terlalu sulit untuk ga menjadikan lo anak emas dengan segala kebaikan yang melekat di elo. Huhu.

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.33.30

Memasuki masa SMP, gw yang cupu banget ini tiba-tiba jadi sedikit “dikenal” di sekolah karena punya adik seorang Ardha. “Ohh, Chica kakaknya Ardha”. Dalam sekejap lo jadi salah satu anak populer di angkatan lo karena what’s not to like from Ardha. Bahkan temen-temen angkatan gw mengenal lo sebagai “everybody loves him”. Walau kejadian salah pergaulan  di SMP ini juga yang menjadi fase penting di kehidupan lo ya Dha. Sedih kalau inget masa-masa itu. Luar biasa buat elo yang dapat melaluinya – gw selalu bilang ini ke semua orang bahwa gw bangga dengan semua achievements lo, bahkan buat orang dengan latar belakang kehidupan normal aja (baca: gw) rasanya ga akan mungkin bisa sampai di titik kehidupan lo kemarin… You are gifted and talented, ditambah dengan determinasi tinggi lo lah yang menghantarkan ke titik ini.

IMG20180525155711.jpg

Tahun 2001 – 2006 kita tinggal berpencar, gw di Bandung, lo di Bogor untuk beberapa waktu (dan hanya setahun sesekali aja ketemu kalo pas lebaran atau liburan semester). Sekembalinya gw ke Jakarta di 2006 bertemu lagi dengan lo yang udah fresh dan jadi mahasiswa di FISIP, Kriminologi UI (Bunda cerita bahwa lo menduduki peringkat 1 Paket C se-Nasional). Karena kondisi rumah, lo jadi berbagi kamar dengan gw. Walau lo cuman datang kala weekend aja, karena sehari-hari ga tinggal di Pulomas. Kalo weekend lo datang, kadang lo suka sebel liat kamar yang berantakan, secara ya gw…selordeh berat, dan elo super rapih… sepatu-sepatu tertata, kaos2 terlipat rapi, dan semuanya deh organized banget. Gw suka dimarahin juga kalau pake baju lo tanpa izin (maaf ya Dha).

224669_9149218228_1988_n

Masa-masa 2006-2009 akan selalu gw kenang dan menjadi momen favorite kebersamaan kita. Kita lebih tepat seperti temen ketimbang kakak-adik dan lo seperti pengawal gw dengan postur lo yang tinggi tegap – jadi bikin gw merasa aman kalau kemana-mana sama lo. Di masa itu, dari mulai curhat perihal pasangan masing2x, pergi ke gigs bersama (ERK udah pasti jadi favorit kita ya bok), tukeran playlist, dan nyanyi-nyanyi di mobil pake iPod lo in between one gigs to another), dengerin lo main gitar dan compose lagu, trus kalo lo mau manggung Delay Monday milihin pake kaos mana. Ardha yang suka ga pedean dan pemalu harus tampil di umum.

Screenshot_2018-05-31-13-24-40-91

screenshot_2018-05-31-13-10-10-70.png

Ohya, kaos buatan gw sering banget lo pake waktu itu, bahkan kemarin pas beresin lemari pakaian lo, gw menemukan kaos Mew masih ada (udah 10 tahun dan dari koleksi kaos-kaos lo bisa aja lo sumbangin kaos ini, tapi ini masih ada tersimpan rapi). Terima kasih ya Dha, lo sangat menghargai barang-barang pemberian gw :”’

IMG_20180531_134420

Tahun 2009 jadi tahun penting kita berdua, karena wisuda dan menikah di tahun yang sama.

1934386_122027188228_835720_n

Saat gw merantau di 2010-2015 kita paling sering kontak perihal menerima paket-paket sneakers lo dari eBay untuk kemudian gw kirimkan ke Indonesia. Ada masa di mana gw sebel, kok lo beli sepatu second mahal-mahal amat (harganya sampe bikin gw ga rela karena bisa jadi ongkos beli groceries gw sebulan)… Buat apa?? Bahkan gw sempet menceritakan ini ke beberapa temen yang punya sifat frugal yang sama dengan gw (asli gw rese banget ya), tapi ketika gw liat dan baca bahwa lo membentuk sebuah komunitas pecinta sneakers dan ketelatenan lo terhadap sepatu-sepatu lo (those are collectible items anyway), gw nyesellllll banget Dha pernah usil berpikir tentang hobi lo ini. Padahal lo sama sekali ga pernah usil satu kali pun sama apa yang gw jalani…. Maaf ya Dha…

IMG_20180606_123324-2.jpg

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.13.59

Yang paling gw syukuri mungkin selama 3 tahun gw kembali ke Indonesia, kita sempet pergi bareng sekeluarga tiga kali. Yang pertama pas wisudaan Ali dan kedua pas nonton coldplay (konser impian kita berdua). Pas di Jogja November 2016, momen yang kerekam banget adalah interaksi lo dengan Reya (she’s lucky to have you) dan lo bawa laptop untuk kerja. “Bok, lo kerja??”, “Iya, gw ada deadline report nih”. Di antara memprioritaskan waktu bersama keluarga, lo juga ga melepaskan tanggung jawab lo untuk urusan pekerjaan.

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.45.44WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.46.41

Kemudian pas Februari 2017 di Bandung, lo traktir kita semua stay di AirBnb untuk bisa bonding time adik-kakak aja minus Ozu (dan inisiatif ini datangnya dari lo, yang paling care sama kebersamaan keluarga). Mengingat momen itu gw sedih, karena acara saling ngobrol-ngobrol mendalam yang mungkin jadi tujuan utama kita nginep bersama akhirnya ga terjadi karena semua tepar dan ga kondusif. I still remember the scene all of us sleeping in mattresses that night, reminded me much of our childhood tidur sekamar sekeluarga.

img20180525081225.jpg

Terakhir, pas coldplay Maret 2018. Yang bikin gw sedih kalo inget2 coldplay adalah…. Dan ini gw bener2 baru gw sadari pas kemarin2 :'((((((( Bahwa lo udah berkorban untuk bisa nonton bareng sama gw, Ayah dan Gladyz… yang tadinya lo udah beli untuk tiket di depan (dan tiket itu udah sold out) kemudian lo jual tiketnya dan instead beli 4 tiket biar bisa nonton bersama kita. Dan posisinya JAUHHHHHHHHH banget ya bok karena tinggal itu sisanya – setelah lo antre 2 jam pula.

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 14.13.17

Plus lagi pengorbanan lo ngikutin gw (demi irit) untuk naek pesawat muter2x  –_____– *kesalahan gw banget, harusnya gw urus pesawat, tapi sampe akhir tetep lo yang ngurus sehingga flight ke Singapore harganya udah gila2an waktu itu.  Ga sekali pun lo complain selama nunggu transit di KL, bahkan pas pulang sampe nunggu berapa belas jam (yang harusnya cuman dua jam ke Singapore PP ini bisa 15 jam)…. Konyol banget, tapi lo dengan sabarnya “menikmati” semua proses. Walau kalo diinget-inger di perjalanan itu kita ga banyak ngobrol ya Dha…. Gw baru segitu menyadarinya at that moment, apa lo emang pengen diem sama gw…. apa gw ga seru diajak ngobrol… Dan di akhir perjalanan malah kita berantem karena gw ngomong hal yang bikin lo kesel (padahal mungkin selama perjalanan lo udah banyak berkorban nahan-nahan diri). DHA, MAAF YA DHA…

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.54.04

Lagu “everglow” akan selalu gw kenang, lo bilang itu track favorite lo… Sedih pas tau liriknya (biasalah gw suka ga ngeh lirik lagu -___-):

Like brothers in blood, or sisters who ride
Yeah we swore on that night we’d be friends ’til we die
But the changing of winds, and the way waters flow
Life is short as the falling of snow
And I’m gonna miss you, I know

Ya pada intinya gw banyak penyesalan banget Dha…. Dan di WA terakhir kita juga ga enak banget. Bahkan pas sore itu dapat telepon dari nomor lo, gw cuman mikir “Ngapain nih Ardha nelpon, males angkat ah”. YA ALLAH berita yang gw dapatkan ga akan pernah gw lupa sampe kapan pun, rasanya dunia terbalik , dan gw ga peduli orang liat gw teriak-teriak histeris :'((((( Ga percaya, dan nyesekkkkk banget.

Kalau gw berusaha menghibur diri…. Gw cuman sangat bersyukur banget Dha. Malam di mana lo dimakamkan, lo disholatin oleh ratusan orang di masjid (habis pada selesai taraweh dan sedikit banget yang beranjak dari masjid – sisanya ikut sholat jenazah), kemudian disholatin lagi di musholla Jeruk Purut (sampai 3 gelombang kata Ayah dan Ali), meninggal di bulan Ramadhan, dan langit cerah banget Dha (bulan bersinar terang dan banyak bintang), Ayah juga bilang wajah lo tenang dan bagus banget…. Bunda bilang lo wangi. Sayang gw ga dapat kesempatan ketemu elo, karena gw baru tiba di Jeruk Purut jam 2.30 pagi. InsyaAllah Husnul Khatimah ya Dha. Aamiin ya Rabbal Alamiin. Sampe Ustadznya bertanya: “Saya iri sama anak ini. Belum pernah sekali pun saya liat pemakaman di malam hari sebanyak ini orang yang hadir. Apa amalan anak ini?”.

screenshot_2018-05-25-04-09-47-49.png

Dan membaca sekian #letterforardha (yang mungkin cuman sedikit tapi bisa menggambarkan bagaimana elo di mata temen-temen sobat dan kolega lo), amalan utama lo adalah bahwa lo orang baik (“a rare kind heart” seseorang menyebutnya), lo disayang karena lo sangat peduli dan menghargai orang lain, lo dijadikan role model karena orang yang tau elo di fase 1 kehidupan dan lo bisa sampe di titik kemarin sebelum ajal menjemput, tau bahwa itu hal yang sangatttt luar biasa. Dan utamanya lo selalu pengen orang lain mendapat keberuntungan dari apa yang lo kerjakan, lo kasih referal ke orang, lo sabar ngajarin dan dampingi orang, lo peduli sama orang, dan lo berusaha mengerti orang lain. Ohya, dan lo adalah Apap yang luar biasa sayang dan care – Reya pasti akan sangat kehilangan waktu-waktu video call (setiap sore) dan date sama ya lo ya Dha. She looked just like you, setidaknya kalau gw kangen elo gw bisa lihat dari matanya dan idungnya yang lo banget (kita banget, idung Bunda).

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 14.08.37

WhatsApp Image 2018-06-05 at 13.43.08

Dha, sebagai orang beriman pastilah gw percaya bahwa ada kehidupan abadi setelah kematian, gw selalu berdoa untuk lo, dan semua amal jariyah lo tak terputus dari kebaikan-kebaikan yang telah lo lakukan semasa lo hidup.

Gw janji akan jadi kakak yang lebih baik  – walau ga akan mungkin gantiin sosok elo  yang mengemban ini selama bertahun-tahun, tapi makasih udah mengingatkan poin yang gw lupakan 9 tahun terakhir (masih nyesek Dha kalau baca percakapan terakhir kita). I will routinely ketemu Reya dan ajak playdate bareng Azka Khalif. Dan yang pasti gw akan selalu menceritakan tentang lo ke Azka Khalif sampai mereka besar, bahwa kalian punya sosok Om Ardha yang sangat care, yang pekerja keras, yang sangat pinter, sabar, dan humble. Dan gw pengen Azka Khalif bisa meneladani hal-hal itu dari sosok lo, adik gw.

Dha, lo pernah bilang, bahwa percakapan kita di malam takbiran tahun 2006 adalah Delta Moment buat elo, gw sangat bersyukur pernah hadir dan menjadi bagian terpenting dalam perjalanan hidup lo. Dan kali ini, this is my Delta Moment yang lo kasih ke gw. Tapi kenapa harus begini caranya Dha…

Terima kasih banyak Dha, untuk semua yang udah lo kasih ke gw. I will cherish all the memories with you, bok. Mampir-mampir ke mimpi gw ya Dha…

I love you Ardha Renzulli. Anak Ramadhan kebanggaan keluarga AyBun.