Letter #52

Saudara kandung

Kind, strong, reliable

Poeti Gladyzka Emiria, Saudara kandung (anak ke-6)

Hello Abada.

It’s been more than a month since you came back to God’s side and I hope you’re resting peacefully. Sorry it took me so long to write to you, sometimes it still doesn’t feel real to know you’re not here anymore. Sometimes (most times) I feel like it’s better to think you’re still out there, working in your office, socializing with your friends, and coming back home late than rather to think you were actually six feet below the ground.

I actually tried to write out my feelings a couple times, especially on the day you finally Rested, to convey my feelings to the world but somehow I think it’s too… private. But I do want the world to know how amazing you were as a person and as my brother so, this is my attempt to share my thoughts about you.

Bang, two days before it happened, you already know what I truly thought of you, right? You asked mine, Kakak, and Ali’s opinions about you as a big brother and, since I was embarrassed to say it in our family group (heck, I was even embarrassed saying it to you), I texted you personally. Like I had said in our chatroom a month ago, I really feel you were The Big Brother figure for me. Ali and Abang Aidil are my brothers, yes, but they’re not like you. Your strong and reliable figure was always there ever since I was little and even until your last days. I especially remembered how you took me in for a whole year even though you could have said no, and how you looked out for me and made me feel comfortable in your home. I don’t think I can tell every single thing you had done for me in your lifetime but for every single one, I am grateful.

Aside from giving me a lot of things, you had help also our family even while you have your own problems to attend to. I had wish I could give you things in return but as it was, I was clueless on what to do to pay you back for all your doings. So in turn, I just try to make you laugh with our banters and jokes and make you feel light-hearted, even though it’s just for a moment.

Seeing how great you were since I was little, I always thought of you as the coolest sibling. The Golden Son. Handsome, smart, successful, kind, out-going, your talents in music, your sport activities, what don’t you have? I also think the fact that you were able to go out of your “slump” and became better and achieving your dream was really amazing. All those reasons and more, was the reason why you were my role model and why hope I can be like you one day. Why I admire you so much. It is also worth noting that whenever you give me an advice I always try to remember it and think of it as some “kata-kata mutiara”.

Speaking of admiring you, it really makes me happy if we share the same taste in things—such as music or tv shows. Somehow I feel validated, haha, like “oh Bang Ardha likes this which means it is cool! I’m glad I also liked it!”. It also makes me happy because it means I can talk about our interests together although sometimes I feel like I would be a hassle, I don’t know why. And so, while I thought of talking to you more, I ended up not doing it. I do feel regretful at times but what can I do now, right? [And oh, the fact that I share the same alma mater as you made me immensely proud. I still remember asking you about my soon-to-be uni back in 2015 and you, with Kak Dita, told me stories about it. That was the moment where I feel like I made you proud too.]

IMG_3247 - Gladyzka Emiria

That time you took our family to Singapore was one of the best moments in my life and no, it’s not because of Coldplay. But it is more because we get to spend our time as a family and having fun. I remember thinking, ‘Oh, this must be like to have a family outing when I was still a toddler. No nephews or niece or step-siblings, but just our parents and the six of us.’ Although, Abang Aidil and Kakak didn’t go with us, I still thought of the trip like that.

IMG_5830 - Gladyzka Emiria

The fact that I get to experience watching a concert with you, Uni, and Ayah made it even more special because I truly think it was a once in a lifetime experience. I guess now it really is a once in a lifetime thing now that you’re gone…

IMG_5531 - Gladyzka Emiria

Nonetheless, I still remember what you said a few days before you Left. “Gw janji akan menjaga kalian selalu, sampai kalian tua nanti.” Maybe because of those words too I didn’t really feel that you were truly and really Gone, Bang. Maybe because of those words, I still feel you’re still here with me, protecting your younger siblings like how you usually did. And maybe you’re not here physically but as long as you are at peace and feel happier wherever you are now, that is enough for me. The fact that for this whole week you have been visiting my dreams also comforted me. Please do visit me a lot through the dream space Bang, for years and years and years.

18342619_10208243778362685_5676395811721643177_n - Gladyzka Emiria

I remember how you teased me for saying this to Kakak when she had her birthday earlier this year, and I already told you the same anyway back then but still, I really am glad that we were born in the same family Bang. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone out there to be my big brother. You are irreplaceable.

There are more stuff that I would like to talk about but I feel for now, this is enough. To be honest, I don’t think there will ever be an end to talk about how amazing and great you are and how much I looked up to you.

With all of that said, I love you Bang Ardha ♥

– Babria/Gaday/Your kid sister, Gladyz.

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